I live here.
I would like to take this opportunity to issue an apology to anyone who has been offended by any comments made in this blog.
It has been written from a ‘personal diary’ point of view and has been written for me, to look back on my own life when I am older. It has been a means of expression during this difficult period in my life.
It was never my intention for it to be used as a public reference.
I don’t know what you want from me, nor I from you. There is a force that pulls me towards you against my will and I think you to I although I don’t know if you can see it the same way I can. Even now when we are so far away you are still as close as ever in my mind, closer if anything.
I want to scream. It frustrates me and annoys me. It makes me so angry. And you so nonchalant breeze through without blinking twice.
Why is this so easy for you? Why do you not feel that tug of a thick invisable rope? Or you do but you react differently. I allow myself to be delicate and fragile which at most times leaves me bruised.
Is it so cruel of me to wish this same frustration upon you?
Longford used to be so far away, now its just another stop on the trainline. Sarah and Clare came to town with me. Sarah was going to Cartron to meet Gifty who disappeared in last nights drama, Clare was going to the Cathedral to meet her uncle who was bringing her home. I told Ronnie it will not be long before I am back. This is not goodbye for summer. The guy in the train station let me buy a student ticket without a student card and a very nice man helped me onto the train with my bags. Its these little things that make me smile and ultimately make my day :) Spending my two hour train journey to mullingar listening to my ipod which hasn’t been updated since 2009 I’d assume. Its a nice nostalgia :) tomorrow I am going to Berlin to Leanne for five nights and I am so excited to see her. I must unpack, repack and get some much needed sleep. But while I’m on the train I can be nowhere but here so will listen to alphabeat and drink my sprite and watch the towns pass me by.
Packing up B.ed 2. It’s been some year. The heat is out of this world and the hangover is moderate. Where has the year gone?
I don’t know where I keep all this stuff but theres alot more than I’d estimated! Next time I write will be from laois. I will never sleep in this bed again.
Emotional.
Four down and two to go.
It is sunday afternoon and I am well rested after a weekend in Sligo, my first weekend here since graduation weekend in November! Time has really flown by…
There was a feeling of excitement immediately following friday’s understanding education exam. 4.30pm we rushed out of the hall eager for our mini break to begin. A two hour exam with three questions to be answered, Kim said that she looked up after twenty minutes and everyones pens were moving so fast there should have been smoke rising from them. Anyway, it was over now and we were ready for the weekend to begin.
John and I were to go to the cinema at seven to see something about Johnny Depp and Vampires… I went into town with the girls at half five, having not eaten dinner which did not seem much of an issue because I wasn’t going drinking.
And after the film Gavin rang and asked if we wanted to go for a pint. Which turned into five pints and a long island iced tea. I wish I’d eaten something… I was much too drunk and i’m still beating myself up about it. My time with John is limited and need not be ruined by things like this. Waking up in his arms felt more than natural and we stayed in bed in our own perfect world until eleven.
Danielles dad came up and took us to her nanny’s for dinner. They live in Carrowroe and it was lovely to find out a little more about my best friend and the world that surrounds her. Her family are really nice… even Mary T who we are hard on at times.
The evening was spent watching titanic in all of block b and d and eventually we moved off our lazy asses and headed for town in Seamies party bus. We went to the garavogue and sat in our favourite hidden corner drinking cosmos. We danced and danced and it was a really great night. One of the lecturers was there and she was a mess. Very funny. I was home in bed by one.
This morning was a lazy one. Some big bang theory wrapped up on the couch followed by another lovely trip to Carrowroe for sunday dinner. It’s a beautiful day. We went to the holy well and lit candles for exams. Oh please God let me pass!
Now i’m parked at my desk for the evening about to begin an answer for the question:
‘In dialogue with the key ecclesiological insights emerging from Lumen Gentium and Gaudium et Spes, develop a clear and theologically grounded answer to the question what is the Church? What is it for?’
… . oh no . .
We are not well.
This generation, we are not well.
I can no longer define what ‘normal’ is in relation to the people I call my friends, my peers. Socialisation dictated to me when I was very young that ‘we are all unique’ and ‘everyone is different’ and ‘there is no-one quite like you, you are special’.
You are all special yes, but you are all so incredibly different, incredibly difficult to understand and this intrigues me, affects me, infuriates me even at times.
Extreme stories of ‘crazy’ people are what we hear in the news and in those cheap glossy magazines I only ever indulge in in airports.
It has come to my attention that the whole world is actually mad.
We get hung up on the smallest of things. In the way that I have always been told we are ‘unique’, yes we are, we each have our own crazy characteristics!
I wonder what mine are to others. To myself I can see things but I think they are traits only I can see, decisions I make in my own head, obsessive streams of thought, my obsession with people in the way that I am doing this right now even.
I think that people can see this obsession with people in me. Generally we do not call it obsession, we find another word for it, something less crude.
So yes. My friends. They are each one of them crazy. And this becomes more difficult to write because I know who reads here and it could offend to say these things but this blog is my mind and if you so choose to climb in there you must accept that you are going to find some things that are not pretty.
You might look at me and ask who do I think I am to judge you? Maybe you are right. Maybe it is wrong of me to be angered, annoyed, confused by some of your actions, or to make false judgements without knowing the full extent of your reason.
*I know we have become so distant this year but I wish you could feel you could talk with me about things. I know your dad losing his job is the end of the world for you, but money is not everything. You need to take a step back and re-evaluate what’s really important in this world.
*I don’t know why you want to repeat. It upsets me that you say that I did not really ‘understand’ you before. I see you spiralling into a lust you call love and I fear that at the end you may end up more cold and broken than before.
*I don’t think you realise how intimidating you are. I don’t know why you infuriate me so much at this time and it makes me angry to feel this way. I wish you would see beyond the credit card and understand there is more. This is not a competition between you and I.
*I know you have been afraid and been the blame for something big but you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and get on with living. Not for me, not for others, for yourself.
*I need for you to eat. Please eat. You are beautiful. You have a beautiful family that love you, more friends than most I know, a boyfriend, you are so intelligent, but you are so damn hard on yourself.
‘Emma put it simply by ripping up pieces of my refill…. it is not worth it. It is a small picture in a big picture of another big picture’
