I live here.

I’m running through life faster than I can run in my imagination….

Where are these days going? Death and Resurrection, up and down, your place or mine? Right and wrong and both. Exhilarating and utter head spinning confusion…

Meitheal was a beautiful escape from reality as always. Kathryn and I worked with the Borris boys. I was more distracted than I have ever been but still savoured each moment lying flat on the cold cream carpet floating outside my own body with God holding me up. At long last I met the infamous Jimmy Trigger. On the saturday night, we teamed Borris with Naas for a final liturgy of reflection. We do it by candlelight, slow and steady, turning the atmosphere in the room up high. Afterwards the students are allowed to talk - as much or as little as they want to - on their highlights or learning curves. One boy referred directly to me. It was incredibly sweet. He talked about the nervous feeling and isolation upon first arriving at meitheal in June and how I instantly made them feel welcome and at home. This braught a tear to my eye and a smile to my face. As I have grown I have watched them grow so much… I often dont give boys the benefit they deserve.

Yesterday I did my camp leaders interview. I think it was a success… I felt it went quite well. I would love nothing more right now. Once in a lifetime experience…… fingers crossed….

On the road again…

I’m taking the bus from Dublin to Cavan. This is a route I’ve never taken before and I’m excited about it.. I remember going to Trim when I was very young to visit cousins which now like in Offally and I’ve never been in Navan but I think Helens going to take me shopping there during teaching practice… I like new places a lot. Even parts of Dublin I have not seen, examining the little details of old streets and watching the people and the sign posts.. Listening to Bon Iver and watching the world through a window is strangely comforting to me. Tomorrow I shall be stepping foot inside the school where in a months time the kids will be calling me ‘miss’ and hopefully be showing me respect. This is my main worry about tp this year, apart from being asked questions I don’t know the answer to in religion classes… On the road again, this time to Cavan and back to Dublin tomorrow evening to visit my best friend Danielle :) I shall be spending quality time with her and just taking a break, on wensday I shall be reviewing the USI constitution with members of all the USI S.U’s and I’m meeting John wens evening to ‘talk’ although there is not much to talk about.. He’s not in the bad books as much as he thinks. I can’t wait to see him :) Life is pretty good at the moment…

I am 20 years old now.

wow i’ve come a long way.

no more teenage angst now right?

(haha)

SO…. Im back at the lake. Christmas was quick and relatively painless if you exclude the first week leading up to Christmas eve. It was fantastic to see my friends. It was lovely to feel the comforts of home like roast chicken dinners and being able to get up and leave your dishes knowing that pity will be given to you because you just worked a 10 hour shift.

I worked most of the holidays and im glad because I really need the money! How do I always manage to be so broke? I feel like Im constantly watching my spending and always worrying and things. I missed one loan repayment the week of my exam before Christmas and the girl in the credit union was a bit of a bitch to me when I went in the following week and it knocked me a little. Long story short I paid an extra hundred euro off it before I came back to sligo and I recieved a slight smile and she stuck the new sticker over the black ARREARS part and that was nice of her. 

Its good to be back and see the girls. They were so good to me today. I appreciate them more than they will ever know and even little things like getting woken up because my phones acting up and my alarm didnt go off or making me my requested dinner because its my birthday and presenting me with a yummy chocolate cake….

We went to the cinema to see the Iron Lady and I loved it because I love Meryl Streep and I LOVE history and sometimes think I should have done history too and then myself and danielle walked to the brewery to meet Linda and Kim and Grace. It was so lovely just to sit and catch up and chill.

About to watch the first episode of the final series of desperate housewives… someday I will tell my children about how much I love this show and they will say ‘meh’ or the new-age equivalent term and I will care but try not to care too much and watch the box-sets and be nostalgic and they will think im crazy.

In other news, my sister got a job in Laura Ashley in Cork, we are finally getting a RAG week in Sligo this year…. and …. going to Meitheal in two weekends time :) back to the harbour for much need rest!

English looks like a really romantic thing to study, but it’s not. English is mostly bollocks because no right or wrong answer exists, it’s all just the ideas of the current time. Poetry and Literature are lovely but it’s not so nice to dissect them.

I worry lately if I made the right decision.

I’m questioning decisions I once clarified to be the only decisions I ‘knew’ were the ‘right’ ones.

Maybe I dont want to teach home economics.

Maybe I dont want to teach at all.

Sometimes I wish I’d studied english. I can imagine myself in a big university… reading and having deep conversations with all sorts of people.

But still doing theology. This is my one stability and ‘light’ I guess. 

The one assignment I have enjoyed so far this year is my christology one. It makes me excited to hear what vince thinks of it….

why can I not feel this way about anything else? my home ec modules feel like constant pressure, constant failure, never being good enough but worse than that… just not caring.

I genuinely do not care about these physics labs. or my textiles folder, or social studies, or fucking specific methodology and SEN combined groupwork assignment.

I wish I cared but I dont…. and I dont know what to do about it.

Opportunity cost.

physics labs VS anything else

… decisions decisions